True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He better not be in your backpack
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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