I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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