I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
