I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
