In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
