he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
