if i can run in heels then i can drive
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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