i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
