Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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