I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize