had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
