im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
