dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you traded sex for a burrito?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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