he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
