Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
