god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
