So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
