1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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