I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
