just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
