i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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