I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Everything about him screamed your future.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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