2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
