She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
