Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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