there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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