My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
