Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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