My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
