I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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