I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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