I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
