well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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