how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize