we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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