And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
