She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
