I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
