is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
