I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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