You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
