From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
