Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
