I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
sex in a hospital.. check
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
