i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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