using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
