thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
