I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
