I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
