And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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