if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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