It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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