i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
