Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
