I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
