I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
